Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
You Might Also Like
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
This is my favorite one of these!
good work, everybody
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”