100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.