Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
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Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Don’t forget to tip your server
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”