If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]