Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
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His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.