Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
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[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you