[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
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me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Happy birthday to all the women
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea