If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
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*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.