[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.