I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Ah yes. The three genders
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!