Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
This checks out
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*