Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
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I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
LOL
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
mechanics be like
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*