me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Smooooooth
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
School be like
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?