When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
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Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this