Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
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cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
adding to the discourse
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
dads on road-trips be like
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”