my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
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Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.