Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
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My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
hey, alexa
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.