The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I’m tired tomorrow.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.