responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Worth a try
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.