Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
the answer was staring at me all along
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes