4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You Might Also Like
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Knock Knock
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party