My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
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Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.