HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me