My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Golf would be better with landmines.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.