they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
You Might Also Like
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…