Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
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I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry