I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
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Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.