Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best