Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
You Might Also Like
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.