Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Cats (2019)
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?