You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.