As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
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Thinking about Jeff
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris