my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
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Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.