He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Spring cleaning checklist…
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!