Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
My current situation
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.