my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
These aliens are taking forever.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Become ungovernable.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone