Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
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Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I鈥檓 buying a dart gun.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
boat question
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he鈥檚 here
Me: 馃槼
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I mean I鈥檓 over it but I鈥檓 definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren鈥檛 impressed
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Jesus Christ lmao
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.