WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe