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drew a comic about my origin story
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I feel seen
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.