<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
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My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
🍞🦆
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30