When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
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Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
how do y’all walk in shallow water
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”