Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I cannot call her anything else now
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?