Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
congratulations to them
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing