To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
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Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha