You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
We’ve all been there…
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.