God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
*gets down on one knee*
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…