Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
You Might Also Like
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.