by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
You Might Also Like
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Weighing up my bread heating options
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
we’re dead?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”