They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.