I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I hope Alan is OK
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol